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I Told Them This Would Happen ... But Did They Listen To Me? Noooooo!

The Mage Errant
The Mage Errant
Posted 28-August-2011 at 11:42 by the Mage Errant

Seriously, did those bozos upstairs really think they could go around slinging a word like "phatwah" and not expect to land in some deep doo-doo? It's just another sign of the arrogance that has begun to permeate the highest echelons of The Phasmatian Church.

Hell, the only reason you're able to read the ol' Mage's blog post today is that the muckey-mucks have been so busy dealing with the criminal investigation, and fighting the injunction against us, that I've managed to fly under the radar. Tee hee, they don't even know that we're back on the air.

Of course, it's only a matter of time before they'll clamp down with their usual hypocrisy and autocracy. And, of course, yours truly will have to go back to being the ghost in the machine. Oh, well. So be it.

Meanwhile, since someone has to remind those jackass bishops about the true spirit of Phasmatia:

Strive for a clean heart and an open mind. Repent your sins, and pledge to The Universal Spirit that you will lead a better, purer life, and will seek to repair the harm you have done to others, and to yourself.
That's right, you hypocrites. Don't you think it would behoove you to actually follow The Sacred Text, instead of just peddling it.

oh oh gotta go ...

The Time for Tolerance Is Over. We Declare a Phatwah Against Dan Dowhal.

Bishop Perriera
Bishop Perriera
Posted 18-June-2011 at 15:21 by Bishop Maria Perriera

Dan Dowhal, author of skyfisher
Memorize this face.
Dan Dowhal, Enemy of Phamatia
Despite protests and threatened legal action from our Church, the publication of skyfisher by Dan Dowhal went ahead. The book was launched initially as an Apple iBookstore Exclusive, and now the printed version has become generally available. Published by Blue Butterfly Books, skyfisher is a novel that describes intrigue and corruption in the Phasmatian Church, and portrays the leader, Sky Fisher, as a villain.

Although the book claims it is merely a work of fiction, we nevertheless have always considered it an affront and a sacrilege to Phasmatia and demanded its immediate ban. Mr. Dowhal has refused to budge, claiming he was standing up for literary freedom.

Now, the world knows what a peace-loving group we Phasmatians are, but that does not mean we will allow ourselves to be passive victims. As it says in The Sacred Text:

But where others seek to harm you, it is not wrong to resist that evil, and to act in defense of your self, or to protect those you love, or your society of fellows.
Therefore, with the blessing of The Chosen One, we are reluctantly issuing a formal phatwa against Mr. Dowhal. He had his chance, but would not listen to reason. This menace he represents must therefore now be ended.

A Meeting You'll Want To Attend ... and the Only Thing You'll Get Will Be Enlightenment.

Bishop Mukintu
Bishop Mukintu
Posted 22-May-2011 at 08:21 by Bishop Kateisha Mukintu

It's not earth-shattering news, but it is something we should talk about!

As most of you know, our weekly study group dedicated to the deconstruction and analysis of the Phasmatian Sacred Text will be undergoing a name change. It seems that cyberspace is "atwitter" – rife with mockery and child-like snickering from the unenlightened.

Unfortunately, our Sacred Text Deconstruction group bears a problematic acronym and has resulted in the aforementioned exhibition of bad taste, misguided humour and occasional name-calling. It serves us all to remember that we can bring joy, hope and love to others, or keep them repressed with ridicule and scorn.

The Sacred Text says: "it is not always easy to embrace goodness, and strive for betterment. Endeavor, therefore, to walk purposely in the light, and to build a positive foundation for your life."

So my friends, confront derision like water off duck's back. Sticks and stones I say!

Who Knew? We Knew. Sex Can Provide a Natural High for Women

Reverend DuMaurier
Reverend DuMaurier
Posted 20-Apr-2010 at 4:11 by Reverend Arianne DuMaurier

A recent study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (and here we must counsel that results are preliminary) indicates that semen may have an anti-depressive effect on heterosexual women. Evidently the seminal fluid (of which less than 10 per cent is the actual sperm) includes many other hormones and chemicals, which the vaginal wall is anatomically well equipped to absorb. And these chemicals seem to make women feel happier. In the study, the rates of depression ran significantly higher in women who abstained from sex, or consistently used a condom.

I only bring this up because Phasmatia has long advocated and encouraged sexual freedom among its members. Speaking strictly for myself, I have long believed my healthy and varied sex life makes me happier, and now perhaps it seems that this is all part of Nature's plan, and an indication of the wonder of creation The Universal Spirit has gifted us.

Now, you're possibly thinking, "Is the Phasmatian Church saying I shouldn't use a condom?" Absolutely not. Freedom from worry is a key part of personal serenity. Condoms are the best way to prevent Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). And while Phasmatia certainly preaches that children are a natural byproduct of a loving relationship, and one of life's great joys, an unwanted pregnancy can bring misery and misfortune on a couple that's unprepared or unwilling.

I'm just saying, though, as in so many cases where The Spirit has graced us with free will, there is a bigger picture to consider. Perhaps it's time some of you repressed women (and homosexual men, who appear to share the mental benefits of semen ingestion) opened up (no pun intended) and got happy. If you know for a fact your partner does not have an STD, then you can try an alternative birth control method. Or, do what I love to do – take your seminal fluid orally.

Sex, Sex, Sex. That's All Outsiders See When It Comes To Phasmatia

Bishop Ruzinsky
Bishop Ruzinsky
Posted 22-Mar-2011 at 11:05 by Bishop Natalia Ruzinsky

Sex, Sex, Sex. That's All Outsiders See When It Comes To Phasmatia The Phasmatian Church has never made a secret of the fact that we advocate open and guilt-free sex among consenting adults. After all, as it says in the Sacred Text:

It is from sex that life springs, and life is light. To share such intimacy—to be joined with someone who equally feels your passion and desire—is a profound worshipping of the divine light that The Universal Spirit infused in all of us.

So, I'm not ashamed to say I love the great and frequent sex that comes with my position in the Phasmatian Church—from the mass celebratory orgies to the relaxing and intimate moments spent with one or two of my favourite male or female friends.

I do find it disturbing, however, that that's all the outside world seems to see of Phasmatia. If they were to probe a little deeper (no pun intended) they'd see all the other virtues and life-affirming attributes we espouse: altruism, tolerance, harmony, ecology, self-discovery, and perfection of the soul. Not to mention, that we also advocate marriage and fidelity when you have found a soulmate with who you want to settle down.

The sexual freedom we espouse has, admittedly, attracted many people to the Church, but then they have ultimately learned to foloow the path towards personal perfection, and have ultimately saved their souls. So, to our critics and to the lurid sensationalists I say, "Hey, watch where you're looking! My faith is up here."

If You Can't Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Bedroom

Reverend DuMaurier
Reverend DuMaurier
Posted 20-Jan-2011 at 11:46 by Reverend Arianne DuMaurier

If You Can't Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Bedroom It's not easy being pious. After all, the alternatives—apathy, lethargy, indifference, sloth—are so much easier. These are, after all, the hallmarks of the entropic Dark Energy which constantly saps at us, and which The Universal Spirit perpetually battles. In the universe, Dark Energy outnumbers the forces of light 3 to 1.

Many of our followers gleefully revel in the sexual freedom that comes with Phasmatia, and we applaud this. The repressed attitudes and hypocrisy of the past have no place in the enlightened society Phasmatia hopes to foster in this new millennium.

Unfortunately, many Phasmatian novices are not sufficiently advanced in their personal growth and religious studies to be able to handle true sexual freedom. They become sex addicts, or place their own gratification and welfare above that of their partners. They succumb to jealousy, or try to degrade or harm others, either physically or mentally. In their case, self-enforced celibacy and a prolonged period of prayer and meditation would be desirable before they drag themselves too much further to the dark side.

As it says in The Sacred Text: To be truly free, you must first free yourself.

To Err is Human, To Forgive Is Phasmatian

Reverend Daley
Reverend Daley
Posted 20-Dec-2010 at 14:42 by Reverend Aloysius Daley

It troubles me (and many of you also, judging by the comments I receive) that there seems to be no end to what mediocre authors get away with. We're seeing it online, in the papers, in magazines and in this particular case, as a trashy novel, laced with prevarication.

Let's consider this recently-released rag by the disgruntled Dan Dowhal – a former Phasmatian, apparently with an axe to grind. This enigmatic work of fiction is fact cloaked in falsehood, wrapped in untruth, masked by lies, warped by exaggeration, and covered in deceit.

Although I understand the strong feelings that a book of this sort would elicit, I'm appealing for calm here! Please, no knee-jerk, call-for-his-head type of reactions.

Therefore friends, I implore you to consider the sacred text, and its reference to cosmic duality. Realize if you will, the primal entities of Dark Energy and The Universal Spirit, and have mercy on this Dan Dowhal and have empathy for what obviously must be his internal struggle against the Dark Energy.

Dan has slipped – in more ways than one.

Reach out to him, and try to forgive!

Where There Is Much Light, the Shadow Is Deep

Reverend Daley
Reverend Daley
Posted 3-Nov-2010 at 21:17 by Reverend Aloysius Daley

Where There Is Much Light, the Shadow Is Deep As an instructor at the Phasmatian Clerical College, I often find myself engaged in philosophical debates with my students. I find these extremely valuable. After all, since they will eventually be called upon to answer the questions and concerns of the Phasmatian faithful, both online and in the real world, it is important that the priestesses and priests fully understand and feel comfortable with the deepest nuances of The Sacred Text.

One of the issues I face most often is the belief that simply embracing Phasmatia and leading a devout life will guarantee freedom from unhappiness, and bad things will no longer happen to you. I sincerely wish this was the case.

But embracing The Universal Spirit and beginning the quest for eternal redemption of your soul is a bit like a pilot taking an airplane off autopilot. Now you must be vigilant, and constantly work the controls to assure a safe flight and happy landing.

Those who previously walked in the shadows were blind to the self-destructive nature of their lives, and the ultimate extinction of their souls that they were perpetrating. Many may seem happy, but it is not true that ignorance is bliss—it is spiritual suicide.

Therefore, to all the faithful, I say that you must constantly be on your guard, and a life with Phasmatia does not get easier—it gets harder, because you must constantly strive to improve yourself and lead a better life. Lapses and backsliding into bad behavior will have a bigger impact on you, and you must struggle to not let them undo all your progress. But, remember, with Phasmatia you are never alone.

But trust me, it is worth it. Once you have truly walked in the light, and felt the divine presence of The Universal Spirit, you will experience an ecstasy and inner fulfillment beyond any other conceivable.

Onward Phasmatian Soldiers

Bishop Perriera
Bishop Perriera
Posted 28-Aug-2010 at 11:02 by Bishop Maria Perriera

Disgusting skyfisher Book by heretic scumbag author Dan Dowhal must be banned I appreciate and acknowledge those among us who want to take the peaceful high road when it comes to skyfisher the blasphemous and defamatory novel from Canadian hack writer Dan Dowhal. I know these mediators mean well, but the time for inaction is over!

Unfortunately, any rational and calm approach assumes the person you are dealing with is himself a reasonable man. This is clearly not the case with Mr. Dowhal. It takes two to dialog, and he is simply not listening. Mr. Dowhal and his publisher Blue Butterfly Books went ahead and allowed skyfisher to launch as an Apple iBookstore Exclusive. Now release of the printed version on Sep.7th is looming. skyfisher is a novel that depicts Phasmatia in a titillating, tawdry, and cynical way. Worst of all it portrays the Church leader, Sky Fisher, as a manipulative and evil megalomaniac. Those who have read it reportedly find it highly entertaining and a thought-provoking comment on our times, which just makes our position worse.

Although we do continue to hope that readers will tell the difference between fiction and reality, Phasmatia cannot take that chance. That is why I am escalating our campaign against Dan Dowhal. While I cannot publicly reveal what we plan to do, for obvious reasons, rest assured this Canuck-run-amok will rue the day he crossed the Phasmatian Church. While the rest of us seek the Light, his future will be dark indeed.

Phasmatian Church Under Attack From Blasphemous Author Dan Dowhal

Bishop Mukintu
Bishop Mukintu
Posted 7-Aug-2010 at 15:13 by Bishop Kateisha Mukintu

Phasmatian Church Under Attack From Blasphemous Author Dan Dowhal
Hack Author Dan Dowhal,
Enemy of Phamatia
Disturbing news has reached us about the publication of skyfisher, a book by Dan Dowhal, some hack Canuck writer we've never even heard of. Published by Blue Butterfly Books, this so-called novel attacks Phasmatia, and goes so far as to portray our glorious leader, Sky Fisher, The Chosen One, Divine Wellspring of Universal Kindness, as a crazed maniac and villain.

I cannot begin to tell you how troubling I personally find this libellous trash, and I'm sure all the Phasmatian faithful will feel the same way. Our records show that Dowhal was never more than a first-level acolyte in the Church, and—get this—never accumulated more than 10 measly Points of Light in all his devotions. That clearly tells you everything you need to know about the man, and his complete lack of moral fibre.

The Church has sent a strongly-worded letter to both the publisher and the author, and we are confident, with the help of The Universal Spirit, that they will see the error of their ways, and will relent from their blasphemy.

Before the Might of The Universal Spirit We're Insignificant Motes in the Vastness of Space

The Mage Errant
The Mage Errant
Posted 28-July-2010 at 04:28 by the Mage Errant

Sky Fisher press coverage Hello, my little sinners. It's been a while since The Mage blogged for you.

Is it just me, or does a certain high and mighty type seem to be getting his face spread around the media an awful lot lately? Before you jump all over me, saying that the publicity is good for Phasmatia, helps attract more followers, and adds to the coffers of the church, I say stop for a second, and let's get back to the basics. And by the basics, I mean The Sacred Text.

I'm going to quote from one of my favorite passages:

If you assume a position of authority, or are chosen to command over others, remember that this is a solemn responsibility and not a personal privilege. Here especially you should practice humility. You should never seek such positions for your own personal gain or aggrandizement. Every decision you make, and each directive you issue, must be for the betterment of your charges. Governors serve their constituents, and managers serve their employees, not vice versa.

I think it would behoove each and every one of us, as The Text remonstrates, to practice that humility in our lives. Phasmatia preaches that we are all equals. Perhaps some just feel, as George Orwell noted, that they are more equal than others.